Danielle, 40, and Rich, 44, have been in a non-monogamous relationship for over a decade and believe it only strengthens their partnership. They have a son, 10, and a daughter, seven, and live on the south coast.
Danielle’s story:
When Danielle and Rich met 15 years ago, the chemistry was instant. “After 20 minutes, I thought to myself he’s The One,” says Danielle. “I thought I’d found the matching piece of the puzzle and that was what I’d been brought up believing I wanted. So, two months later, when he asked me if I would consider being in an open relationship (known as polyamory), my immediate reaction was hurt, anger and confusion that he didn’t feel the same way as me.”
Rich explained his rationale for non-monogamy, explaining he had seen affairs destroy relationships and families. “And so had I,” says Danielle. “And so, it started a conversation: How do you remove that grenade that is an affair from your relationship?”
How do you remove that grenade that is an affair from your relationship?
For the first two years, Danielle and Rich experimented cautiously with non-monogamy, establishing trust. “We had strict rules, like the fact we could veto another person at any time,” says Danielle.
A veto in the polyamory world means that, as the primary partner, you have the power to end the other person’s relationship if you’re not comfortable with who they are seeing. “This allowed us to establish who we were, and were not, allowed to hook up with, for example, no colleagues and no siblings of each-others’ partners,” Danielle explains.
Another rule was that when Rich hooked up with someone, Danielle didn’t want to know about the details of his plans beforehand, she preferred to find out straight after. “Early on, we had a rule that he would tell me within 48 hours,” she says. “But I would tell Rich what my plans were beforehand. Being transparent with him allowed me to have more fun and relieve some of the guilt I had around hooking up with someone else when I had a boyfriend.”
In the beginning there was no sex – instead it was all “kissing and going on dates,” says Danielle. “It was important to us to take baby steps when building a relationship on our terms. Then when I was in my 30s, we had children. My identity became mum. And dating other people got to be a way I could be someone other than just a parent for a while. Marriage and having young kids can be stressful. Dating other people, we’d get to have these relationships that feel lighter. And I came back to our marriage with more energy and joy.”
Today, Danielle and Rich, who married in 2013, have both physical and deep emotional relationships with other people. “I am bisexual, so I’ve had boyfriends and girlfriends,” she says. “In the past, my husband has had girlfriends too. And that means building a relationship with them, not just about sex. The rules now aren’t as strict because we’ve established that deep trust. We no longer need rules like veto power the way we did early on when figuring things out.
“When I talk to couples via my social media accounts who’ve been together a long time and are just opening up their relationship, they need rules in order to not break trust. After fifteen years in an open relationship, I’m able to articulate my desires and needs so well and I understand that the requirement is not on Rich to have to meet them all and vice versa.”
After fifteen years in an open relationship, I’m able to articulate my desires and needs well.
Another benefit of being in an open relationship, says Danielle, is being free to explore interests and hobbies that you don’t share with your husband or wife. “For example, I’m an avid skier,” she says, “and get to date people who are interested in that, which is so nice. Recently I was dating a guy who was into adventure sports like me and we did some exciting stuff together. When I tell Rich about it, he’s like, ‘that sounds like my worst nightmare!'”
Love has come along, she explains, but it’s different. “That’s the beauty of polyamory. You get to explore this kaleidoscope of different types of loves and relationships without ruining your marriage. Rich is the person I’m building a life with. He’s an amazing partner and father to our kids. I love him so much that I want him to have the biggest, best version of his life, but I recognise that sometimes I can’t provide everything that will allow that to happen. And I’m confident enough in myself that that doesn’t impact my self-worth. It’s okay for him to meet his wants or need elsewhere, whether it’s with friends or a romantic partner.”
Does she get jealous? “Of course, I’m only human. But what makes me jealous has changed. In my twenties, it was based on my insecurities. These days, jealousy tends to be a sign that I need to change something.”
However, jealously over sex isn’t something she’s experienced. “Polyamory isn’t about sex. It’s about getting to experience chemistry with strangers and deeper connections with friends and romantic relationships outside of marriage. We have a term in our relationship that we call ‘privacy, but no secrets’. This means when it comes to sex with other people, we share where we’re going. We always use protection. We always get STI screenings. But also, these are separate relationships and there’s an element of privacy that’s needed.”
We always use protection. We always get STI screenings.
Danielle started her TikTok account about three years ago with the aim of helping others navigate their polyamory journey. “Rich said, ‘Danielle, no one’s going to care about your open relationship. But the first few videos had over one million views each,” she says. “I have learned that when people publish a hate comment on my account, it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with how they’re feeling in their marriage. That said, social media has been scary at times and protecting my two children is paramount. I don’t post their photos, videos or names on social media. I found that people are very happy to spread hate when it’s online, but I’ve never experienced it in person.”
Recently, Danielle and Rich told their son that they date other people. The reaction? Underwhelming. “Kids are very interesting,” she says. “You think it’s going to be this huge thing and yet, he said, ‘Okay, that’s great. Can I go and play Pokemon now?’ Ultimately, for all the hate comments I get, there are two people in this world who know how much my husband and I love each other, and those are my children. They see it every single day. The fact we go on dates with other people is no big deal.”
When asked if she and Rich worry that their relationship style may affect their kids in the future, she says, “of course” adding that, “right now being a family works. It’s a constant balancing act between four people, changing wants, needs and desires and making sure everyone’s happy as possible.”
