Who are you helping most when you forgive the person who hurt you? Actually, you’re helping yourself more than the other person.Couples who practice forgiveness can rid themselves of the toxic hurt and shame that holds them back from feeling connected to each other. In The Science of Trust, Dr. John Gottman explains that emotional attunement is a skill that allows couples to fully process and move on from negative emotional events, and ultimately create a stronger bond.Here are some ways forgiveness can transform your marriage.
Write down three ways negative emotions have impacted (or are still impacting) your marriage.
Be aware of negative emotions that you have not yet processed. Talking to a close friend or therapist can help facilitate this.
Find a way to remove yourself from negative emotions.
Examples include therapy, yoga, improving your physical health, and practicing expressing thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respectful way. Resentment can build when people sweep things under the rug, so avoid burying negative feelings.
Take small steps to repair and let go of grudges.
According to Dr. Gottman, the number one thing that prevents couples from building trust and emotional attunement is the inability to bounce back from a conflict in a healthy way. The number one solution to this problem is to get really good at repair. He tells Business Insider that you’ve got to get back on track after a disagreement if you don’t want issues to fester.
Accept responsibility for your part in the interaction.
One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. Drs. Julie and John Gottman explain that, “one person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.” Apologize to your partner when appropriate. This will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow you both to move on.
Don’t let wounds fester.
Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about holding on to hurt feelings. Processing what happened will allow you to let resentments go so you can move on to a healthier relationship. Keep the big picture in mind.
Accept that people do the best they can.
This does not mean that you condone the hurtful actions of others. You simply come to a more realistic view of your past. As you take stock, you will realize that all people operate out of the same basic drives, including self-interest.
Think like a forgiving person.
Practice forgiveness by actively thinking like a forgiving person. Avoid holding grudges and declare you are free to stop playing the role of victim. After all, we are all imperfect and deserve compassion.
Practicing forgiveness will allow you to turn the corner from feeling like a victim to becoming a more empowered person. Experts believe that forgiveness can allow you to break the cycle of pain and move on to a healthier life. Keep in mind that forgiveness takes time and has a lot to do with letting go of those things you have no control over.
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When we forgive, we create space for empathy, understanding, and compassion to blossom. It allows us to see beyond the surface-level conflicts and connect with our partner on a deeper, more meaningful level. Instead of being consumed by past grievances, couples can focus their energy on nurturing love, trust, and mutual respect.
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Forgiveness fosters a sense of emotional safety and security within the relationship. Knowing that your partner can forgive your shortcomings and imperfections creates a foundation of trust and vulnerability. It encourages open communication and a willingness to address issues head-on, rather than sweeping them under the rug in a futile attempt to avoid conflict.
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Forgiveness is more than a gift we give to our partner; it’s a gift we give to ourselves. Holding onto grudges and resentment only serves to poison our own hearts and minds, perpetuating a cycle of pain and discord. By embracing forgiveness, we free ourselves from the shackles of bitterness and reclaim our power to choose love over fear.
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Forgiveness is not always easy. It requires humility, patience, and a willingness to let go of our ego’s desire to be right. It may involve difficult conversations, tears, and moments of vulnerability. But the rewards far outweigh the challenges. Through forgiveness, couples can experience profound growth, resilience, and intimacy, forging a bond that withstands the test of time.
